


Black Friday

by Subtleillusionist201



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Dante is a klutz and has the worst luck, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 23:18:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16732551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subtleillusionist201/pseuds/Subtleillusionist201
Summary: Black Friday shopping brings the worst out of people. Dante ought to stick to Cyber Monday.





	Black Friday

 

Dante huffed out a breath and watched as it condensed and curled into a steam cloud in the frigid air. He yanked his candy cane stripped scarf over his nose and mouth. He rubbed his hands together, hoping the friction would warm his already frozen fingers. He quickly grew frustrated with the action and resorted to tucking his hands under his arms, then shoved them in his pockets. The red bubble coat and scarf he wore were doing very little in keeping him warm. The damned coat alone cost close to $200 and it had been on sale. They were definitely not something that he would have purchased for himself.

Sure, a demon had shredded his prized red leather trench coat during a job. One moment Lady, Trish and Patty were nagging him about getting rid it, then in the next they were harping about him catching a cold without a proper coat. He thought about getting a new trench coat. He really did. Then one day, a UPS delivery person banged on the door like a madman, shoved a box into his arms, and sprinted back to his truck before Dante could utter a “thank you.” The women – and yes, that included Patty who was seventeen now— included a birthday card that read: _For those days when you aren’t hunting and want to wear something other than leather_. Cute. Ball-busting aside, he couldn’t remember when he told anyone his birthdate. He thought about how the gesture was mighty sweet of them. And then, he got his credit card statement in the mail. That summed up his woeful tale of the expensive coat that felt more like a puny windbreaker in a howling blizzard.

 “Tundra rated my ass,” he grumbled.

At that moment, the skies that had threatened precipitation all day had finally decided to open. He growled when he felt the first few snowflakes land on his forehead.

To say that that the devil hunter was royally pissed was an understatement. It wasn’t just about the damned coat or the fact that he had been tricked into paying for his own gift, but rather _why_ he had been standing in a mile long line since six-fucking-thirty.

 _Beep. Beep._ Dante’s watch alerted him of the time. The dual analog and digital face read that it was fifteen minutes until midnight. Fifteen minutes until the doors opened.

Black Friday had always been a maddeningly strange concept to Dante. People all over the country celebrate a holiday dedicated to having gratitude for the people, values, and material things in their lives only to wrestle more things that they don’t need out the hands of someone else mere hours later. This, of course, would be only after droves of consumers spent most of Thanksgiving camped out in a parking lot. Dante had seen the news footage of crazed shoppers trampling each other for toys that the receivers would likely lose interest in within a few weeks. He had been the main person who made fun of the yearly ritual and now he was a reluctant participant in it. Dante was growing more resentful of the fact for every moment he stood in line.

He counted at least forty heads ahead of him and God knows how many behind him. The line went down the block and wrapped around the corner. Despite it all, everyone seemed to be in good spirits. Some discussed when they first began camping out in line or which deals they had their eyes on over thermoses filled with hot beverages. If Dante were honest, he would admit that he was a little jealous of the warm drinks and the harmonious comradery those people shared. At least superficially, they seemed like they would break out into a few verses of _Kumbaya_. At the same time, Dante knew it was all fake. If he was a betting man, he’d bet that the elderly woman in the Snuggie, sharing her hot cocoa, would probably uppercut the bubbly middle-aged blonde next to her over the last pair of Beats headphones. Of course, not before trampling the selfie-crazed teenagers beside them in goofy green hats.

Dante began bouncing on the balls of his feet hoping to draw more heat to his body and to wake up his sleeping legs.

“What about you, sweetie,” the old woman asked, “How long have you been out here?”

“Who? Me,” asked Dante. He slowed his movements and pointed to himself.

She smiled and gave a polite nod.

“Since about 6:30.” Dante gave a cool shrug.

The old lady and the blonde gasped.

“It’s almost midnight. You’ve been out here that long?” The blonde’s heavily mascaraed eyes grew wide. “What’s so important that you’re willing to wait in line for,” she paused and counted her fingers, "almost six and a half hours?"

“Could ask you the same thing you thing,” he half joked. Dante went back to bouncing, but stopped when he realized they were waiting on a real answer. “A TV,” he shrugged again.

“A TV?” The old woman parroted.

He shrugged again. “A friend’s TV crapped out and it was kind of my fault. So, I’m here to help her pick out a new one.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie. He couldn’t tell the women that he quite literally shot the Hell out of Lady’s TV when a demon used it to manifest a portal into the Human Realm.

_When it happened, he stood in sort of a slack-jawed confusion. It was definitely a first for the two of them. Who knew the energy from a TV could spawn an actual demon?_

_She let out a shrill, panicked shriek as if she hadn’t been a battle-hardened hunter who dispatched thousands of demons._

_Lady had quickly realized that her guns had been dismantled for cleaning, leaving only Kalina Ann, her prized rocket launcher at her disposal. Of course she couldn’t and wouldn’t fire it in her apartment. The sentiment wasn’t necessarily for the residents of her building, but more for the massive security deposit and the lease she’d lose should her luxurious apartment get destroyed in the blast._

_“KILL IT!” Lady karate chopped Dante’s shoulder in the same manner she usually did when she spotted a cockroach or mouse in his shop. He would normally laugh at that._

_Dante, however, was more fixated on the demon’s choice in manifesting at that instant. The exact moment when he was going to find out who shot Annalise. He missed the original airing of the mid-season finale and had taken to binging his favorite crime drama. He waited a full week before Lady agreed to let him use her FireStick and streaming subscriptions._

_Dante’s left eye twitched as red lightning sparked and ran up and down his arms. His icy blue eyes were suddenly red. He sat up on the couch, back rigid. He quickly drew Ivory and unloaded six rounds into the demon’s face. The thing screeched in agony before it fell to the floor in a pile of sand._

_He sat in that position for a few moments longer. His eyes slowly returned to their normal color as his anger ebbed away. Dante’s body relaxed and melted back into the couch._

_“Dante, you ass!” she slapped the same shoulder. “You ruined my floor and fucked up my TV! A-a-and—And— there are bullets lodged in my wall!” She gestured wildly to the offending articles._

_He slowly slid his eyes to the demon’s remains. Dante figured Lady would bitch about the bamboo hardwood floors until her dying breath. At the same time he knew that they were merely laminates and the sand could be taken care of with a few passes of the Roomba she kept in her hall closet._

_He looked to the TV, which was a different story. The poor thing arced sparks and coughed puffs of smoke. He glimpsed a chunk of plaster falling behind the TV as it fell back against the wall with a dull THUNK._

_“But you can’t deny how awesome that grouping was.” He pointed to the medium-sized hole in the center of the television._

_“Leave.” She spoke through clenched teeth._

_Dante didn’t say another word. He got up and left, closing the door behind him which caused more plaster to fall from the battered wall._

He promised to make it to make it up to her since then. He repaired and repainted the wall, ensuring she wouldn’t lose her deposit. At least not that day. He even said he would replace the TV, which had he known that he would have such a difficult time finding a similar type, he would have never agreed to it. He would have shoved a couple hundred bucks in Lady’s hands and sent her on her merry way.

But, then Patty and Trish just had to clue him in what kind TV Lady once had. That conversation remained fresh in his mind.

_“You agreed to buy a new TV?” Asked Trish._

_“The same kind?” Added Patty. Both of them were sporting the same raised eyebrow._

_“Yeah. No big.” Dante leaned against his desk and waved a dismissive hand._

_“Um. You do know she had one of those new 4K UHD things, right,” Patty said. She crossed her arms and shook her head._

_“So? Two, maybe three hundred dollars. I can probably find one at a pawn shop or that little electronic shop down the street.”_

_“Dante, that store still sells black and white televisions from the fifties and advertises them as brand new.” Trish spoke with a barely suppressed laugh._

_“Your point being?”_

_“You’re not going to find a comparable replacement in a mom and pop shop or with a pawn broker, at least not around here. You need to look in one of those electronic super stores like Good Buy or JJ Craig,” Patty explained._

_Patty pulled out her smartphone and pulled up a webpage from one of the stores she mentioned. She crossed the room and handed it to Dante._

_“I think you should take a look at this and see what you are getting yourself into. This one was the cheapest one I could find.”_

_“Guh? What?! Why would— Who would play fifteen hundred dollars for a 55-inch TV?!”_

_Patty giggled at his reaction._

_“What’s wrong with good ol’ 1080p, huh,” Dante asked. He continued to scroll through the selections._

_“Because they’re old hat, honey,” said Trish. She sat on the couch opening a newspaper._

_“The fuck? This one is five grand. Who the hell has this kind of money?!”_

_“Apparently Lady does,” Patty said under her breath. Trish and Dante still picked up on her comment, but ignored it._

_“What am I gonna do,” Dante huffed, defeated._

_“Look,” Patty reasoned, “Lady’s apartment is nice, but it isn’t that big. I can almost guarantee you that you guys weren’t watching a screen any bigger than 60 inches. You could probably get away with 50 or 55 inches. Was it mounted?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“The TV,” Patty replied, irritated. She sincerely hoped his mind wasn’t in the gutter, “Was it on a wall or was it standing up on something?”_

_“She had it on a TV stand.”_

_“Good. One less thing to worry about.” Trish flashed a smile and then sashayed to Dante, tossing him a sales ad. “Black Friday sales are coming up. They may be able to knock off a couple hundred dollars.”_

_“You’re coming with mom and me for Thanksgiving dinner, right Dante?”_

_He nodded._

_“There’s a Good Buy near our house. When you’re finished, you can go pick out a TV for Lady and a Pineapple watch for me,” Patty said._

_“What,” Trish and Dante said in unison._

_“Oops. Did I say that last part out loud? Oh well, just disregard the fact that want a Rose Pink one.”_

_“Anyway, Dante, you got yourself an action plan,” Trish said. “Aren’t you glad we had this little talk?”_

_“Yeah. Great,” he groaned._

***

“Your hands are _freezing_!” The old woman’s words roused him from his reverie.

She grabbed them and rubbed them in her leathery hands.

“So, where is your friend,” the blonde asked in an almost sultry tone.

“Good question,” Dante replied.

His thoughts flitted back to hours prior.

_Lady was supposed to attend Thanksgiving dinner with him at Patty and her mother, Nina’s place. She bailed at the last second, leaving him at the mercies of Patty’s drunk Great-Aunt Betsy and creepy Uncle Chester._

_First Betsy kept telling Dante, “You’d best marry Nina before her eggs dried up” and “you two will make beautiful babies” while petting his hair. Then after a full box of wine, there was, “If I was fifty years younger I’d be all over you. Now, lemme put you over my knee.” The icing on top of the cake was when Uncle Chester pressed his nose to the back of Dante’s head and whispered that he smelled like his dead wife._

_After an uncomfortable half an hour with his friends’ scary family— which Dante only tolerated that long out of respect for Patty and Nina— he got a text from Lady. She asked him to meet her at the store. He finally left hearing Nina’s profuse apologies, Great Aunt Betsy yelling about knowing a spell that would make her appear fifty years younger, and Uncle Chester goosing him right out of the door._

He shuddered at the memory and came back to himself.

Dante glanced at his watch again and spied the busty brunette approaching out of the corner of his eye. He watched Lady, who was sporting a new beige coat, make a bee line from the parking lot to the queue. He figured he would be easy enough to spot in the crowd. He stood a head and shoulder above the surrounding patrons and someone would hard pressed to miss his platinum hair and his trademark red. He hoped he hadn’t somehow paid for her winter wear as well.

She came to the line carrying ridiculously expensive coffee which was likely brewed from the rarest beans found only in the heart of the Amazon Rainforests. Or something. Lady seemed to like buying into such gimmicks and trends.

“My savior,” he smiled.

“Chill out,” she rolled her eyes.

Lady handed over a festive cup that was as loudly colored as Dante’s coat.

 “Too late,” he said.

Dante carefully grasped it, feeling the warmth through its cardboard confines. He gave a grunt in thanks.

“How much did this set you back?” Dante asked.

“You mean, _you_ ,” she said. Lady gave a non-committal shrug. “Eight dollars.”

“$8?! For a cup of coffee?!”

“Two cups.”

Dante rolled his eyes, “I should have figured. Put it on my tab.”

“You know it.”

He blew into the small opening in the lid and took a few tentative sips. He savored it. Relished its warmth.

He threw his head back in a satisfied sigh.

The blonde stood uncomfortably close to Dante. “Is this the friend you told us about?”

“Umm, yeah. This is—”

“Lady.” She jutted a hand between Dante and the blonde woman. “This big lug’s partner.”

The elderly woman took Lady’s hand and shook it. “It’s nice to meet you, dear.”

“Partner?” The blonde raised a pencil thin eyebrow.

“Take it however you want,” Lady remarked coolly.

After that exchange, the blonde promptly put some space between her and Dante, to which his shoulders became less tense.

Dante pretended not to notice the two women staring each other down and drank more coffee. Burned tongue be damned.

“What’s got you out here,” Dante asked the old woman.

“My daughter is hoping to surprise my grandson with some sort of Gamestation or whatever it’s called. There’s always some sort of gadget these kids are into for a while and it winds up being incredibly hard to find. His parents and I have been taking turns holding a spot in line. You know, you kind of remind me of him.”

She gave a gentle smile and glanced at her watch. “They ought to be opening up soon. Good luck to you and your friend, my dear. You’ll need it.”

The old woman closed her thermos and dropped it in her large purse, followed by her Snuggie. Thin, wrinkled hands brought out a small bottle of whiskey and took deep swigs until it was emptied. She gave a slow exhale and patted her cheeks until they became rosy. That sweet smile transformed into a tight grimace. At the same time, Dante witnessed a similar change in the blonde as her expression screwed into a war face of her own. The warm aura everyone had once projected had become as icy as the wintry winds themselves. It chilled him to his very soul.

“Lady?” Dante whispered.

“I know,” she replied. “I felt it too. Stay sharp.”

“That’s my line,” he said with a smirk.

She rolled her eyes.

The curtain-like metal barricade rolled up into the storefront and an employee unlocked the door. Glass doors slid open with a _whoosh_ , allowing the people to funnel into the store.

No one chattered anymore. Dante and Lady only heard the employees at the door half-heartedly greet their customers and the Christmas music echoing through the store. Once they crossed the threshold, they felt brewing energies, collecting and at the same time dropping the temperature in the building. It somehow felt colder in there than outside.

“Poltergeists?” Lady questioned quietly.

“Can’t tell yet. We’ll know the closer we get to the jackpot.”

The store was arranged into a snaking maze, allowing a near-continuous loop into the store and to the cashier lanes. Whole sections were roped off and only branched into areas where advertised items were stocked. Shoppers queued to where they wished to shop.

Lady led Dante to a roped trail in the home theatre section.

“You hear that?” Dante asked.

Lady shook her head. “Hear what?”

“Sounds like a really high hum. Did you bring Rebellion?” The hair on the back of Dante’s neck stood as his Devil clawed at back of his mind begging to be released. He tamped down on the sensation and put up a cool façade.

Lady could see that he was struggling to maintain his usual carefree mask. The entity must have been strongest there.

“It’s in the car,” Lady answered, dazed. She wobbled on her feet as if her energy was being drained.

“Hey! Watch where you’re going!” A woman shoved a man carrying a TV.

“That’s mine! I saw it first!” Two women were wrestling a drone out of the other’s grasp several feet away.

Lady spotted the elderly woman and blonde from earlier. The old woman was beating the blonde over the head with a Gamestation.

The teenagers in green were chucking cell phones at each other.

Fights began breaking out all over the store, blaringly sound tracked to Mariah Carey warbling: _ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOOOOOOOOU._

Dante felt an extraordinary amount of anger building up inside him. He pushed back at it. He saw Lady’s posture tense and her fists balled. Her eyes became inky, black pools.

He wrapped his strong arms around her. She struggled in his embrace.

“Can you hear me? Take a deep breath” he instructed.  “Get ahold of yourself. Repeat after me.”

She audibly growled at him.

“I’m Lady. I’m a Devil Hunter. I came to kick demon ass.”

She hissed and gnashed her teeth as she tried to break free.

“I’m. Lady. I’m. A. Devil Hunter. I. came. To. Kick. Demon. Ass.” Dante repeated, projecting urgency into each word. Each word punctuated with his own warring sensations.

“Say it.” He almost shouted.

Her mouth opened and closed as if she were remembering how to form words.

“C’mon. Say it!”

“I-I’m Lady. I’m a Devil Hunter. I came to kick—” She began.

The darkness receded from her eyes.

“Kick demon ass.” They say in near unison.

Dante breathes a sigh of relief.

“What happened? Why are you holding me?”

He promptly let go and looked away, hiding his blush.

“Dante?”

“Ahem. Yeah. Well, it looks like whatever this is, its feeding on everyone’s emotions and possessing them.”

They looked about themselves and saw more skirmishes continue to break out across the store. Customers fought among themselves and even with some employees.

“You said Rebellion is in your car?”

“Yeah. But there’s no time run and grab it.”

“We’ll make time. Get it out of the car and I’ll do the rest. On your way out, try to get people away to safety. I don’t think this thing is all that strong yet, but it will be if it continues to feed on these people.”

“Huh? Make time? Wha—?”

“Shh. Don’t blink.” He grasped her shoulders and the whole building was engulfed in a blinding white light.

When Lady’s vision cleared, she saw everyone and everything had been frozen in place and covered in strange, pale grey sheen. She saw static fist fights and items stagnant in mid-air.

“Wha— What did you do?”

“Bought you some time. A couple of minutes, maybe five max.”

“You stopped time?!”

“I’ll hold it as long as I can, but you gotta get going.”

Lady realize that this act would likely drain Dante’s power before the fight began if she didn’t act quickly. She decided not to say anything else. She turned and ran towards the exit.

“Be careful.” He said as soon as she was out of earshot.

He unzipped his coat and unholstered Ebony and Ivory.

“Come out, come out wherever you are,” Dante sang out.

On her way out, she pulled a fire alarm. Lady had hoped that once Dante’s spell had run its course, people would snap out it and exit the store, just as she had done. She ran to her white Range Rover and popped the tailgate. When she did, she could swear that she heard soft incoherent whispering. She pulled out a large guitar case, housing Rebellion. It was heavy, but she had gotten used to the weight of it. She set it on the ground. The whispers became louder and louder, frantically overlapping, until she could discern a single phrase: _release me._

Was the sword speaking to her?

Dante had told Lady on more than a few occasions that his weapons spoke to him. She thought he was either joking or it was a metaphor. It wouldn’t be unlike him. She couldn’t imagine him being literal.

She opened the case and the sword briefly glowed red before it levitated above her and took off like a silver bullet towards the store. The atmosphere flashed white around the store again and the grey sheen melted away.

“Stay safe, you idiot. Don’t hurt anyone.”     

Lady rushed back at the sound of rapid gunfire. She raced past the frightened consumers and employees. The darkness disappeared from their eyes as one by one they came to their senses, abandoned their items, and filed out of the store. Some took more panicked strides while others shambled on, disoriented. Lady steered a few stragglers to the exits before she made her way back to where she previously left Dante. Before long, no other human remained.

“Are you _trying_ to cause a stampede?” Lady fussed.

“Got everyone out didn’t it?” Dante said. He nodded his head towards the undulating portal in the display wall of TVs. “Kept this fucker from sucking up souls.”

A long, green, scaly, clawed arm swatted blindly out of the portal.

“Curse you, S—” the demon sputtered.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Dante interrupted. “Son of Sparda. Seed of Sparda. Something of Sparda and all that. Can’t you demons think of anything more original?”

“Why isn’t it coming through?” Lady asked.

“Not enough juice, I guess. I already took out Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.” He pointed Ebony at the piles of sand at the foot of the portal.”

“Sins.”

“Greed and Wrath. Looks like the demon sent them to amplify emotions so that it could manifest. No people, no emotions. No emotions… well, it’s just gonna hang out until the door closes.”

“How anticlimactic.” Lady lamented.

Dante cocked his head to the side as he watched the arm thrash around the narrowing hole.

“It almost makes you feel sorry for it,” Dante commented before grinning. He finally devolved into a laughing fit that made Lady join in.

“You couldn’t even keep a straight face, could you,” she howled.

“I know,” he laughed, “Got Rebellion all riled up for nothing.”

“Stop laughing,” the stuck demon growled, “It is not funny!”

“Shaddup!” Came the united reply as they both fired a shot at the flailing arm.

The demon howled and growled.

“Talk about mood killer,” Dante pouted.

“You’re a strange man,” Lady said, “Whaduya say we wrap this up.”

“Fine by me,” Dante shrugged.

He picked up Rebellion and smirked.

“Yeah, I know,” Lady heard him say. She knew she was privy to only half the dialogue. She wouldn’t dare ask what Rebellion said, despite her curiosity.

He effortlessly cleaved through the demon’s protruding limb. Part of it landed on the carpeted store floor with a _THUD_. The remaining piece slipped back through the portal like someone had slurped up a spaghetti noodle. The portal disappeared with a muffled _POP_.

Dante stowed his weapons with a smile.

“Will you look at that? No collateral dam—”

Dante was cut off by an 80-inch display TV splitting in half and falling to the floor where he sliced the demon’s arm.

“Looks a little heavy handed to me,” Lady chimed. “Check this one off the list of places we can’t return to.”

Dante’s lips stretched into a stony line. He wordless turned and walked down the aisle. He picked up a still packaged top-of-the-line 4K TV and hefted it onto his shoulder.

“Hey. What are you doing?”

“Collecting our fee.”

He walked to another section, collecting a Rose Pink Pineapple watch and a FireStick before heading to the door.

“And those?” asked Lady.

“Holiday pay.”

 

Surveillance cameras picked up the white-haired man and dark-haired woman leave the store with the filched items. Moments later, they captured the man’s return. He plucked another 4K TV off the shelf and retrieved the severed demon arm left in the aisle. He was gone again.

 

 


End file.
